One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
