Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Even my vagina gasped.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
