I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
