Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
