I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
