i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dick very happy bro
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
