He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
