Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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