I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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