she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
A+ Viking dick
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize