When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
