Someone shit on the floor
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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