Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
