I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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