So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
