You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
