drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
