That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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