sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
