I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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