I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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