Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
