the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
