yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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