omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
