Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
