so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
