Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
