What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize