Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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