3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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