I'm so fucking centered right now
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
