Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
