I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Randomize
