I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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