I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
