6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
