If i come over, it means nothing
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
