He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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