On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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