i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
