I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
