I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
