it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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