Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
