Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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