I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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