So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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