I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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