can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
