I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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