Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
