turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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