I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
