im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
