cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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