i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
