i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
