I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
