how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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