remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
