After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
