Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
