Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize