Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
