dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I supernannyed him into submission
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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