just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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